Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Bourbon Street?? Really???

so it always rubs me the wrong way when i hear people talk about coming to new orleans and all they really want to see is bourbon st. its even worse when locals think its the cat's ass. like that's all new orleans has to offer. newsflash people…bourbon st. is not that great. in fact, it pretty much sucks. bourbon st. can be replicated in the comfort of you own home by following these steps:

1. go get 3 homeless people. paint one gold, one silver and get the other one to heckle you for money or bet you that they "know where you got your shoes at". you will also need one drunken frat guy to scream wooooooo constantly at the top of his lungs. shit throw in a sloppy drunk girl that's passed out while you're at it.

2. go to your nearest liquor store or convenience store and buy cheap alcohol, but pay 5 times the value of the alcohol. (hint: the 2 for one drinks at the places aren't really 2 for one. hell i can go to the store and buy magnum condoms, but does that make my penis any larger? rhetorical question…it in fact does not!! larger cups and long pouring does not make a stronger drink.  those tooters that they use to give you an extra shot are 3/4 of an oz. a real shot glass is 1 1/2 oz.)

3. go on the internets and download jock jams vols. 1-3. make sure you have these 4 songs though. a.) pour some sugar on me - def leppard b.) jump around - house of pain c.) jump - kriss kross d.) insane in the brain - cypress hill. now put these these cds on repeat.

4. have said homeless people and frat guy piss and puke all over your home for authentic french quarter smell.

ok so what i wrote above might be a little harsh, but that's my opinion. new orleans has tons to offer as far as entertainment is concerned. explore this great city a bit. you will find some great places and have lots of fun.  if you want to stay in the general area of the french quarter, try going to frenchmen st. they have some great places there. the bars are great and the music is even better. if you go to frenchmen st. and you don't have a good time…..like my friend mike "rex" dingier says…."the only taste you have is in your mouth".

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